Friday, September 16th, 2022, 05:45
Wow lol it's so telling that I haven't updated on here in six months and my last update was to say that I got hella jobs and bought a pad. That's American life for you. I'm about to totally make excuses for my own poor self-control, but I think the reason that "fast internet" has won out over "slow internet" is partly because it's just easier and more available to pop on your phone and make a Facebook post or TikTok or Tweet or w/e in five minutes tops, as opposed to doing something like this, which turns into a whole-ass hobby. I mean, it's also because companies like Meta (weird) and Google literally pay their devs to co-opt techniques from casinos and gaming companies to stimulate the same dopamine response that we get from gambling and gaming, but whatever. I think I need to take a break from Facebook and TikTok for a while so that I can get back to my shit after a pretty crazy couple of months, but it's hard because that's where people go to socialize, because we all are on that grind. (And bars, but I don't do bars.)
Anyway, so here's all the weird insane shit that has happened in the past few months:
My mom and I bought tickets to see our family in the Philippines at the end of the year. I haven't been there since I was 8 and my daughter has never been there. I'm insanely terrified and stoked at the same time. I'm hella autistic when it comes to routine changes. I like to just do my own thing. I was a lot better about it whenever I was still playing music and touring but, ever since I quit that, I just like to be a homebody and do the same shit, eat the same shit, wear the same shit etc. every day. Plus I have a pretty gnarly fear of heights and especially flying. I will literally have nightmares that we're gonna get on that plane and it's gonna fall out of the sky and my last moments will be just crying and holding Siren, helpless and totally unable to save her. It's almost a full day of flight time including about half a day over the ocean. I'm so fucking scared.
But I really don't have a choice. I have to do it. My dad lives in Batangas for the last like five years and I haven't seen him in that long. My dad and I are close so it's crazy we have gone that long without being by each other in-person. Plus, I have a great-grandmother who is 103 soon, and I want her to meet Siren. I have several cousins that I haven't met but we communicate regularly on Facebook, and I miss my aunt and uncle as well. It's also just an extremely gorgeous country with the kind of terrain and wildlife that is completely unheard of here in the US. Like, we have huge, aggressive tarantulas with medically significant venom; my dad lives by one of the most active volcanos on the islands; there's guava and coconut trees and it's really in so many respects a tropical paradise. The happiest parts of my childhood were there. Sometimes I think it was the only place I was happy as a kid.
I want that for Siren. It's such a game-changing experience for her. She has spent her whole life here in Indiana and mostly just Muncie. She sees people who are kids of people her dad grew up with, and his family has been here in the county for over a hundred years at this point. She has this rich heritage that is so unique to what we have here in Muncie. I would be a terrible mother if I could give that to her--which, by the grace of God, I finally can now--but choose not to because I'm chickenshit of flying or whatever. I'm also pretty scared about being somewhere as an adult with a child I'm responsible for where I really don't speak the language well at all, but whatever. Lowkey I am kind of salty that I am a second-gen immigrant who does not speak the native language of my mother's country. How did that happen? Anyway.
Another crazy thing that happened is I'm having a breast cancer scare. A few months ago I was getting ready for my friend's wedding and noticed one of my nipple rings looked irritated and crusty. I was like "That's weird" because I've had them pierced for like a decade now and never had an infection or any issues (even when I really should've due to neglect lol). And I was leaking from my nipple also. I treated it like it was infected and then left it alone and didn't really think much of it, until I was at work last month and my nipple/breast hurt so bad I couldn't concentrate. So I went to urgent care and was super embarrassed, like, yup look at this dumbass punk bitch having to take time off work because I have an infected nipple piercing 🙄 but then when the doctor and nurse saw what was going on they got super serious-faced and insisted I go get a mammmogram ASAP. Like, they repeated themselves multiple times and gave me a pamphlet about it. I didn't really take them seriously until I was waiting in line for my antibiotics--which they prescribed just in case it was actually infected--and I read the pamphlet and it was, like, "If you have these symptoms you might have cancer" and I had all of them lol.
So then after that my doctor put me on more antibiotics "just in case"--which didn't help at all and just fucked up my stomach and gave me a yeast infection and didn't even clear my acne, rude--and scheduled me to go to the breast center. It's so wild. It's literally you go there and there's only women doctors and nurses and everything, and they can do a mammogram and ultrasound in one day and you walk out with at least some answers. I really was not trippin at all even though by this point some of my loved ones are starting to trip. Whenever I got to the breast center, they did the mammogram and ultrasound and said they did find a tumor and it wasn't just a cyst, and that they need to do a biopsy, but that they're 99% sure it's just a benign tumor.
Anyway that brings us to today. I can't sleep because my life has been chaotic. I got like 5hrs sleep and my last few days have been, like, 6-ish. I had the biopsy yesterday which was actually really dope because I love medical stuff but it would've been terrifying if I wasn't chill about it. They numb your breast, which is different, and then they have to repeatedly put a needle in there to remove tissues and fluids to send to be tested. You can feel the needle going around in there even if you can't feel it as painful. Thankfully the doctor and all the nurses and techs were so nice. I almost passed out because I forgot to eat and drink anything and they gave me an apple. Now my tit is pretty sore and I can't sleep but whatever. I'm not trippin if it is cancer tbh because they a) think it's probably not and b) didn't find any evidence that there was multiple tumors or that anything was spreading. But like if it is then I really hope none of this interferes with going to the Philippines. Idk my priorities are super fucked up. I'm mostly feeling inconvenienced and annoyed rather than scared. But also it makes sense when you consider I've had a lot of serious problems with both my physical and mental health in the past and I'm both pretty used to it and just happy that whatever this is can be gotten rid of.
So yeah those are the two main things that happened. Besides that it in a lot of ways has been business as usual. We moved into our new place, which is super comfy. I seriously have never been this comfy in my life it's weird. Siren is doing really well in school again. She was really struggling in third grade, I think because returning to public school after I homeschooled her, and she wasn't really getting along with her teacher. She has a new teacher who is really thoughtful and younger (not to be ageist) and just great at what she does. She sets aside time for the kids to fidget and stim and uses a lot of games in class, and applies concepts rather than having the kids just sit there and shut up and read or do packets. So Siren's really thriving in that environment.
I honestly in a lot of ways hate how my life has gone, because I'm just totally housed up and domesticated and have a straight job and I don't really do anything interesting or creative anymore--besides make/accumulate clothes and accessories. I always thought I would never make it to 30, and that I would go out in a blaze of glory after cutting a couple of really good records and touring the world. But I have heard people who have toured the world and become "famous" musicians complain that, at 30, they don't have a pad, a family, or an education, and I have all of those things and am, like, ungrateful lol. I think I will always be disappointed with myself for turning out to be just a normal person but also whatever. And the most important part of everything is that now my daughter is having opportunities and a stable base from which to grow. I try to remind myself that the alternative to this life wasn't the life I had actually wanted the whole time, because I am both too self-destructive and mediocre to actually make something like that happen, but it was just drinking myself to death or outright self-deleting. LOL ANYWAY
But like all in all shit has been really, really really fucking good, in ways I never thought I would actually have, much less deserve. This whole cancer scare has been trippy because people are so inclined to worry about you and fuss over you if you seriously might have cancer, and my life has been so shit at times that I'm, like, this doesn't even make the top 10 worst things that have happened to me. Anyway I am extremely tired now. My hope is I can get Siren to school and then take a nap. Or maybe I will just stay up idk. Either way, I don't think anyone reads this but, if you do, know that lines of communication (if we are connected) are always open. Much love. OH BTW I DON'T HAVE BLUE HAIR ANYMORE LOL I better update my shit to reflect that.