Sunday, December 19th, 2021, 23:49

Mood: Uncomfortable

Me and Siren ended up spending most of the rest of the day working on our respective websites. This was her first time coding in HTML and CSS and she was actually really decent at it for someone who rarely uses a desktop. The Chromebook her school has her using barely counts, because a ton of sites are banned and it has a touch screen. It's basically a school tablet with a keyboard. She was able to pretty quickly get the hang of CSS and hex colors, and where URLs go for links and images and stuff. Hopefully having access to a real laptop will allow her to improve her skills. Tech savvy is kind of a family tradition. We're all pretty decent at it on both sides of the family. Like that isn't to say I'm pressuring her; just that she's interested too and wants to be good at it.

I can't sleep. Probably because I haven't taken any melatonin or CBD yet. I really ought to. I have this thing now since my gallbladder attack last spring where I have, like, PTSD about sleeping. Being woken up in the middle of the night from a gallbladder attack is one of the more traumatic things that's ever happened to me. The pain is acting up again. It's like an uncomfortable pressure from inside the upper right part of my guts. I really need to schedule getting it scanned and not put it off because I'm scared to find out I'll need it taken out or something.

I've also been in somewhat of a depressive phase this month and just generally everything reminds me of what a terrible human being I am. I don't have depressive phases where I lose energy or have anhedonia or anything; I'm perfectly energetic and hedonic. The problem with my depressive phases is that I just ruminate on how horrible I am, all my flaws, all the ways I make a fool of myself constantly. Erg. I don't know if anyone else with bipolar/depression experiences just colossal feelings of worthlessness in place of "traditional" symptoms of depression but this is how I've always experienced it I guess.

Siren's birthday is tomorrow so I'd better eat some pass out pills and pass out.