Monday, December 20th, 2021, 17:06

Mood: Lethargic

I am so lazy right now. It's Siren's ninth birthday, and I still have to clean our kitchen so that Patrick can cook her a steak dinner when they get home. It's also Heather's birthday so I did her and Sam's dishes and we went to the yarn store, which was nice. I'm pretty stoked to have a chill, amicable coparenting situation with my kid's other parents. Yeah I'm ngl things aren't always perfect, but generally we all get along really well and we've never had any major problems. I have so many friends who I feel like court is their second home, and I feel horrible for them. Usually it's because one parent or stepparent just really loves to engage in conflict or fight for control over anything else. That's not our style and I'm very grateful for that. I think it reflects in how Siren handles conflict as well.

Anyway what this means though is that we've blended the birthday situation so I have a lot of work lol. The weather lately has been really hard on my joints and migraines, but I try to tough it out. I have so much shit to get done in the next two days before Siren's surgery omg. A lot of people have been asking and worrying for Siren, but it's not a big operation. She has a benign tumor/growth on the bottom of her foot that needs to be cut off. If it were anywhere else on her body, it wouldn't be a problem and they could just do it in a clinic, but it's on the bottom of her foot and so it makes things complicated. She's not going to really be able to walk unless she hobbles and stays off the foot for the next several days. It's her first time under anesthesia so we'll see how that goes. God I feel like we have so many different kinds of health problems in my family, but it's just how things turned out I guess. Sometimes--frequently, honestly--I get down on myself about it, but we have a lot of other gifts that make up for it.

I feel genuinely liberated that I've given myself an outlet online where I don't feel like I have to perform for other people, if that makes any sense. I don't have threads or comments, and I can just engage in a way that makes sense to me. Facebook for the last several years has basically just been an extension of work for me. Ever since I was a kid, I've felt like I have to perform in some capacity, whether it's actually performing--usually music--or demonstrating my intellect somehow. It's exhausting. I hate that I probably impose the same standards on Siren, to where she feels the need to perform as well. I need to do a way better job making it clear to her that she never needs to do anything in order for me to love and appreciate her.

Anyway I should probably quit fucking off and go get my house ready for Siren's birthday dinner. I seriously can't believe I have nine-year-old now. This is absolutely ridiculous. My daughter is now halfway from birth to being able to vote and enlist, and considered a legal adult. Only seven more years until she gets her driver's license, and two-and-a-half until middle school. We had Violet and Chris and Cierra over for Siren's actual birthday party--because my parents insisted that only vaccinated people attend, and they're our only friends with kids who are all vaccinated, lmao--and Violet's big enough now that she can actually physically pick me up and carry me around. I met that kid when she was literally one. This is all so ridiculous. I mean, it's the point of having kids, is watching them evolve and become full adults--but I feel like it's probably happening way too fast comparatively. I realize I'm 30 next month and just months away from completing my master's degree, but I still feel like my spiritual age is "hard life 15".