Tuesday, November 1st, 2022, 21:56

Mood: Sick

I s2g I seriously only update my shit on here when I'm sick! But I think that's because, when my life isn't impeded by my body, I'm up and at em and doing lots of things. I try to get to the gym three times a week to do HIIT workouts and core strength stuff, because physical therapy is boring to me, but I haven't really been able to do that. I shouldn't bag on my flesh vessel too much, as my entire life depends on it, but wow I wish it could work better than it does sometimes. This is my third cold in less than six weeks and it's by far my worst one. I tested negative for covid but I have a sinus infection and I'm just so weak. Getting viruses really messes with the dysautonomia from my EDS so I just get so woozy and weak-feeling.

Pretty much my biopsy came back negative for any cancer cells and the doctors highly, highly suspect it's an intraductal papilloma, which is not cancer. But I guess the thing with these types of tumors is, rarely, they can actually like harbor or camouflage the presence of an actual malignant tumor. So apparently even after testing neg on mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy, there is still a small chance I have cancer. But I keep showing zero signs of metastasis or any other cancer signs, so I really hope they are OK with putting off removing it until I get back from the Philippines, because I really just don't even want to deal with any more stupid body shenanigans until then.

So if you follow me on Facebook you know that we had some hard news recently in my family. My uncle recently passed away. I went to Madison over last week for the funeral; I'm pretty sure I picked up this cold somewhere up there. It was a trip and nice to see all my cousins again but I wish I made more effort to see my folks under more ordinary circumstances. I guess more accurately I wish I felt like I could see them under more ordinary circumstances. I just have created this life for myself in Indiana which is so detached from anything to do with my upbringing in Wisconsin, and that's 100% by design, but I'm sometimes regretful with how distant I've become. I feel like a strange import: a car that doesn't belong in the garage it stays kept in. Idk I'm trying to not be too deep in my feels about it, because Banny was a fun-loving man and the punkest of my five uncles. Everything is just really, really fucking weird now ig.

I think I need a break from social media. I'm so hooked on TikTok and Facebook, it's very disgusting. I need to get back to all the hobbies I wasted hella money on in manic phases and never started. I have so many books I've bought either to read or reread and I just haven't. It's just easier to distract myself instead of actively engage with the world around me. This fall has really put me through the wringer ngl. Like I really am sick of feeling like my life is a whole-ass season of Degrassi, with a new Very Special Episode every month to have to reconcile with. I also can't afford to spend the $240 a month that weekly therapy would cost me. I have no idea how I'm gonna pay all the medical bills I'm accruing from my tumor situation. So I need to find more holistic and free ways to make sure that my mental health doesn't completely implode on me.

So yeah I might be on here more and taking a break from the other platforms. I might put up a like "get a hold of me on Messenger, blah blah blah" post and just quit for a few months. I wish I didn't feel like Facebook was the only way I could effectively connect with other people but here we are. I just wish I could get on here for one more time this year and have something positive to say.