Thursday, November 17th, 2022, 19:52

Mood: Exhausted

Ew how tacky of me to have left everyone (all 2 or so people who read this blog lmao) on a cliffhanger. The long and short is that because of everything crazy that's happened, I had a serious mental break and relapsed on pretty much every single one of my mental health problems: the bipolar, PTSD, antisocial and borderline PD stuff, etc. I have just been a stack of several child-sized mental health diagnoses in an adult man's trenchcoat. So they put me on Depakote, 500mg of it--and actually they put me on this in April, after I was on the waitlist to see the psychiatrist here for about four months. The last time I blogged on here, it was actually really working well, but the effect in the past week has become somewhat fleeting. Fortunately at least for now the side effect profile is pretty low, so maybe I can level it up.

I really just want to be normal, or at least what my preconceived notion of normal seems like. I guess I want to be happy. I am truthfully not sure if I have ever been happy in my life. I remember waking up as a toddler and forcing myself to stay awake because I couldn't bear that everyone would just celebrate that I wasn't around to be by them. I always felt just extremely unwanted and undesired as a person, like there was certainly something wrong with me. Anyway I don't share these things in public forums because I want anyone to feel sorry for me or "poor you" me or anything--please don't do that--but because I'm positive there are others out there who feel the same things I do, and I don't want any of you to feel alone. Mental illness is the loneliest fucking thing you will ever go through, even though it is extremely common. A lot of what really exacerbates my mental illness is feeling like I must be the only person in the world to go through these things--particularly because my own specific experiences were, well, really fucking weird--but I'm not. I know I'm not. And neither are you, if you read my blog!

Anyway, time for fun shit. Yup still I'm gaming a lot. Nothing fancy. Still a lot of Insaniquarium and Mini Metro. I don't care who thinks I have bad or little kid-ish taste in games. I think this upcoming paycheck I will treat Siren and myself to one game off our Steam wishlists. I'm torn between Unpacking and Stardew Valley, and then whatever Siren wants. I still haven't been on Facebook really and I don't miss it a bit! I regret that its absence has not made me less mentally ill--but, I mean, I'm mentally ill. I'm back to going through a weird 2010s throwback fashion phase, mostly because it's a great compromise between "business casual" and "alternative woman in her 30s".

Guess that's alllllllllllllllll for now.