Sunday, July 9th, 2023, 23:26

Mood: Liminal

Wooooowwwwww I have not been on here in like, what, eight months now? A lot has happened, a great deal of it bad. I can't really go into detail because the stories aren't mine to share, but we had a series of really awful things happen to us for a while during the Fall and Winter months. They're the sorts of stories that, for those involved (including myself), we're never going to completely bounce back from. But here we are, surviving as we do. Besides that, there was a period between January and May where I had three jobs. I was teaching between one and two classes, advising full-time, and researching part-time. Now I only have the two jobs. It sucks because I really do love to teach, but I don't think I can ever have three jobs again safely for my mental health. I feel like a failure for not being able to live up to that expectation I've set for myself.

So now I'm in this kinda liminal space in my life where I'm not really doing too much creative stuff, but I wish I were. I feel like I've just sort of existed for the past year, suffering in various degrees. Everything brings its own whack-a-mole game of new nonsense to deal with. My Depakote was upped sometime around the holiday season, which alleviated my hypomanic symptoms but I've (CW for weight) put on 10lbs and I know that's not actually a lot but it's new to me and I hate it. I try to stay on top of my fitness regimen but Depakote is weird with your metabolism and blood sugar. So I have this constant hunger that never completely goes away. I go to bed and wake up hungry. I am now permanently no-contact with someone I have been close with my entire life, which brings a lot of different, difficult feelings to navigate.

To tell you the honest and really gross truth, I've been trying to anesthetize myself with gifts. I have always believed in the power of "treats", but it really has gone a bit far in the past half-year. I've been rewarding myself constantly simply for existing, which has left me with a hoarding problem and an even more unstable sense of self. Yeah okay, great, good for me I'm in therapy and doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing, but it's a process, and it's nonlinear at that.

I need to hold myself accountable to do the following:

  • Finish all the crafts and fiber projects I have just languishing and taking up space.
  • Reorganize the cabinets and cupboards in my house that just have piles of nonsense.
  • Probably get to the bottom of why I feel like I have to change my image every two to six weeks, never feeling happy with the way I look.
  • Actually get to the bottom of my body image and body dysmorphia problems, see above but much moreso.
  • Less time on Facebook and Instagram, more time on sites and apps like these that actually encourage self-expression.
  • Reach out to people more for social time.
  • Attend more shows and break through the mental difficulty of "I'm too tired to go to a show".

Just ramblings to justify my lack of using this amazing platform. Who am I even trying to justify this to? I sincerely doubt anyone reads this. I suppose I am trying to justify it to myself. I don't want to admit that I have become a very boring suburban mom who drives an SUV that I call a truck, works an office job, comes home and watches TV, and goes on Facebook all the time.

As not to end on a sour note, I'll list a few happy things that have happened in the previous eight months:

  • I got to see my best friend who I love so much, for the first time in five years.
  • I became very close friends with someone from TikTok.
  • I graduated, and eventually commenced. I didn't want to, but then I got to clandestinely take my daughter on stage with me and upset a lot of very uptight people I will never see again.
  • Every day of my life, I get to watch my daughter grow up to be this amazing, confident, outspoken, just totally thoughtful human being, and somehow she is of my seed.
  • Every day, I have a house, a car, multiple good jobs, and a wonderful family--not in that order!
  • I continue to end each day with my wonderful partner.

As long as all that stuff stays how it is, can things really be all that awful?