Thursday, July 13th, 2023, 23:04

Mood: Sore

Guess who spent most of the day either in urgent care or in the meds pickup line? This hottie. Around Sunday-ish I started noticing I had pain around my pelvis and flanks. I'm prone to kidney stones so I was like, yup, been down this road before--especially in summertime. I don't (usually) get them as bad as they're commonly depicted, where one is writhing in agony and having 9-ish level pain. That's definitely happened to me, but it hasn't in a few years. Most of the time, they're so small that they're not noticeable except that my kidneys and ureters are sore from it.

Well, this time it didn't let up, so I figured I was either having a lot, having some trouble passing it/them, or had a bladder infection. It's always good to get checked out, so I went to urgent care and, sure enough, bladder infection. Now I'm on antibiotics and trying to convince myself it's okay that I won't be going to the gym tomorrow and haven't gone since Sunday. Oh shit, and the wildest part was that they did a urine culture on me and found blood (which is not scary because blood and inflammation go pretty hand-in-hand, and can indicate a UTI) and fucking sugar (which is scary because usually sugary urine is caused by diabetes)! Diabetes is so prevalent in my family and really it's very common in Filipinos in general so I am just so scared of getting it, seriously. I am so strict with myself about how much sugar I consume, and I've switched over to things like brown rice instead of white, which I hate because, again, I'm Filipino. But anyway, my A1C was totally normal and my blood sugar was like 114 two hours after having lunch so I was fine. I don't know why that happened but oh well.

I've realized something in forcing myself to use this platform as well. I have only myself to blame if I keep feeling like a nobody suburban mom who just works and gets stressed out and comes home to yell at her family and watch lousy TV. It's my fault that I have multiple jobs and insist on maintaining a 3-5 day/week gym regimen. Nobody is forcing me to do those things. If I stop doing those things, it's not like my entire life, house, or body will fall apart. Why don't I prioritize having an enjoyable life more often?

The time I am most nostalgic for in my life is the summer of 2010. My life was extremely carefree. I was sort of in between boyfriends' houses and jobs, and staying with my dad from time to time but more on like a roommates basis with him, and I rode my bike everywhere. I biked 40-60 miles/day and was in great shape, just because it was my primary means of transportation. I do remember being depressed and anxious, but not driven to make something of myself relentlessly. I was looking forward to getting a certificate in journalism at Madison Area Technical College and having my own room in a flat on Jenifer St. It was so carefree and easy. I would walk to the Willy St. Co-op and pick up some Annie's Mac and Cheese and wash it down with bourbon after work. I mean, I cared a lot about getting high and drunk, and my mental health wasn't great, but there's really no reason I can't just have a more responsible version of that life these days, right?

It's weird. It's not like I didn't have PTSD or mental illness back then. I have PTSD in huge part because my childhood was, as much as all of my parents like to downplay it, inherently full of adverse childhood events. Like, having a family member not only go to prison but also be plastered all over the newspapers for it is an inherently adverse childhood event. And that was just one example. I was not properly treating my bipolar disorder at all. I was self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. And, I mean, I was a bad fucking person, let's face it. I made jokes about things like race and rape and all types of shit, because I wanted to fit in with edgy white guys, and because it made it easier for me to cope with my own oppression. I was not self-aware at all about my personality disorder stuff. I have absolutely no desire to go back to being the person I was back then.

And, above all else, I did not have Siren. I did not have any reason to live.

But I think the reason I remember this era so fondly and with such nostalgia is because it was the easiest time of my life ever. Like, seriously, it was even easier than when I was a kid--because, again, adverse childhood experiences. I think my Big New Goal needs to be to live life on easy mode, which I have not done in several years, pretty much since I stopped playing with Apathy Wizards regularly. My life has either been, like, "I need to be this big, famous musician" or "I need to be this smart social scientist" or whatever, and it all revolves around filling the void in my heart left by improperly treated trauma with overwork and external recognition. Maybe it's like a narcissistic coping mechanism or something. Either way, it's dumb as shit. I would say that most of the people I look up to and think are really cool in this life have zero recognizable presence on a large scale. They're not famous for anything and I doubt any of them care. That's what I need to start doing too.

The hardest part is going to be forgiving myself for not being able to do something like juggle 3-4 jobs and a 4-5 day/week workout regimen, or becoming a famous social scientist or lecturer or whatever the entire fuck. The funny thing is, it is a privilege to be able to hold down one full-time job and have a family. While I characterize this as "easy mode" just because my own mother raised me to believe it as such, is it really that easy? There are lots of people who can't even do that, and I don't think there's anything wrong with them.

So why do I put myself through it?

I think I'm going to read this entry to my therapist tomorrow and see what she thinks, and if it's a good goal.

Anyways, phew, that was a long one. Back to normal talk. I just meal prepped a shitload of red beans and rice. I used the Lightlife hot dogs instead of Beyond Meat sausages, which was not a good call (but the hot dogs were only like $4 whereas the Beyond sausages can be up to twice that). I'm going to post the recipe for that stuff on here soon. I have so many different recipes I need to post on here; Filipino corn bean hash and gnocchi alla puttanesca are the two that come to mind. Pat and I are going to do something really fucking cool tomorrow that I will write about after it happens! And I just got paid so I'm--yes I know I just admonished myself for this habit a few posts ago, fuck off--going to treat myself with this 40% off fabric from JoAnn's to make leggings, and I think I'd like a new purse as well because the two I have are somewhat esoteric and only really go with very specific aesthetics.

Signing out!