Sunday, July 16th, 2023, 19:18

Mood: In between my jobs

Okay so Friday was super dope. Patrick took me to see Jessica Lea Mayfield in Cincinnati! The drive was about $30 of gas but the show itself was free, and would've been worth it for even more. We bought a poster. I've been a big, big fan of Jessica's since about 2016, and actually it was Patrick who first showed me "Our Hearts are Wrong". I just thought she was the coolest person ever, with just really cool vibes and a cool backstory. "Sorry is Gone" immediately became one of my favorite albums the following year. I made the prechorus my work signature because I thought it was the most empowering thing ever. And then whenever she came out as being autistic in 2020, it was right around the time I began debating formalizing my diagnosis. Anyway. I'll stop fangirling and just put the pictures up. I really hate how I look in this one (and pretty much every picture of me that I haven't taken after curating out of dozens) but here it is.

But now things are normal again and I've been doing work for both jobs this weekend. I've been trippin, I really need to talk to my doctor or my psychiatrist or someone about this shit, but I really do not like that there was sugar in my urine on Thursday and my blood pressure has been high for a while. I'm 31 and vegetarian and I don't eat dairy and I work out regularly. I don't smoke or even drink coffee. Why is my blood pressure high now? If it's my Depakote I will be between a rock and a hard place, because the Depakote has helped my most (self-)destructive bipolar symptoms a lot, but if it's causing me to have weird sugars and high blood pressure and shit then we're going to have to do something about that.

Earlier today whenever I was doing case notes for my work--they're basically like, anyone who's ever worked in social services or the helping fields will have to do them, they're making notes about your interactions with clients or patients or, in my case, students--I put on TLC's Unexpected in the background. (Yes, I have the worst taste in TV out of everyone I know, including other people who watch reality TV. I am not ashamed.) The episode was about a couple having their gender reveal party (I know) and everyone in it was very emotional when the gender was revealed. And then it cut to the episode being dedicated to the teen mom's aunt and grandmother, who I guess both died tragically in a car accident before the episode aired. It was all just super emotional and it took everything I could not to cry.

In between having autism and antisocial personality traits, I have a naturally very flat affect and very muted emotions. For example, whenever my daughter was born, I didn't cry or experience that euphoria or instant joy or love everyone does. That isn't to say I wasn't very deeply in love with her--I had been from the moment I found out I was pregnant, or at least the day after whenever the shock wore off--but it was more a sense of extremely strong duty and devotion, rather than anything akin to euphoria. Her dad, on the other hand, said it was the happiest day of his life and he cried big crocodile tears. I couldn't tell you what the happiest day of my life was because, to tell you the truth, I don't really experience happiness very much. I have always felt it was akin to if Riley from Inside Out never got Joy or Sadness back, and just stayed angry, disgusted, and afraid of everything all the time.

But ever since they put me on Depakote, I feel emotions a lot more strongly and with greater urgency than before. I think it makes me enjoy things more. I was so excited watching Jessica and singing along to "Sorry is Gone", especially the prechorus. I just... really don't want to have high blood pressure and all these weird metabolic things wrong with me. I'd also like to know when the weight gain is supposed to plateau, because I don't want to be super heavy. Having mental illness and having to juggle meds and side effects and shit is a huge pain in the ass. And to boot, I grew up Filipina-American, so the idea that mental illness is a thing is difficult for us to accept culturally. The idea that someone could have mental illness or PTSD comes down to three things:

1. No you don't.
2. You're overreacting to a problem because you're spoiled/self-indulgent.
3. You should pray harder.

But yeah. I just hope we can get these side effects sorted out. I really don't want to go back to how it was before Depakote. I can't afford to be (CW) hurting myself the way I was.

ANYWAY. Other cool stuff. I made a new last.fm because we really just have to keep this late '00s early '10s thing going on I guess. I hope to figure out how to embed it in a page or a frame on here, and update the pages I already have. I'm considering making a Flickr too. Yes, actually. I need to update my layout because I think I'm done with the purple and wine colors. I want something more cozy and green and dark cottagecore-y. But I have to finish the work I have for my part-time job tonight, because all that stuff's due soon.