Sunday, January 14th, 2024, 12:30

Mood: Cold

I wanted to come on here and explain things, half because a lot of people tell me (sometimes online but even sometimes off) that they read my posts and it's thought-provoking to them, but also because I've gone dark online before and people have gotten worried about me. I don't want anyone to be worried about me. The truth was that I had a serious mental health event that led to me being hospitalized from last Sunday through Friday. I don't really want to go into it on here. That's not what this is for. But if you are curious, or perhaps you struggle with your own mental health, I'm happy to talk to you about my experiences--diagnosis, treatment, whatever--one-on-one on Messenger or Discord.

I realized a lot of new things when I was in the hospital. Firstly that I have spent my entire life allowing someone to talk badly to me who should never have had those kinds of bad thoughts about me even enter their head. I need to stop making space for people who hate me just because I hate me too.

Second is that I need to stop taking credit for the misgivings of those I am only coincidentally related to. One of the social workers I was paired with noticed that I held so much resentment towards myself not because I had done anything wrong myself, but because I am related to people who have done bad things. She asked me if I played Balder's Gate 3--I don't; I am a cozy games girlie--and if I knew what the "dark urge" was. She explained that the dark urge is a trait checked automatically during character creation in Balder's Gate 3, and you have to intentionally uncheck it to play without it. I need to start giving myself credit for doing the work I do to uncheck my "dark urge", instead of punishing myself for being born or raised with it checked in the first place.

Third is that I have so many things to be thankful for. I had a ton of people I could call when I was inside, and visitors every day. I have a great job and am educated. I got to come home to a warm, cozy house that my partner had cleaned for me and left me a wonderful surprise to come home to. The problem is that I do not feel, because of who I am as a person, that I deserve any of this. I relate a lot to the part in Kurt Cobain's suicide note where he says that he's just a moody baby, narcissistic and ungrateful for all the things he has. It creates a really tricky positive feedback loop, where I have all these nice things, but I don't feel like I deserve any of them, which makes me feel bad to have them in the first place. I therefore don't deserve the blessings I have because I can't appreciate them, and I can't appreciate them because I don't feel I deserve them. I need to spend however long it takes, perhaps the rest of my life, learning to appreciate the blessings I have.

The fourth is perhaps the only part that's relevant or worth reading from this rant. (I should've put this at the top, to spare everyone having to read about my stupid and frivolous life, I guess.) I have been trying to fill the deep chasm inside of myself with external validation and it hasn't been working. It hasn't worked because it can't work. I already have a bunch of great stuff to put in that chasm. Therefore I will be reducing my social media usage for the foreseeable future, at least until I can use it to safely catch up with others instead of as a means of seeking attention. I still like to express myself, so I will be posting photos on Instagram and writing on here, but I won't be doing things like checking likes and comments or whatever. This will prevent me from seeking external validation rather than cultivating meaningful relationships. (I will also be advertising comedy nights and such.)

So there you have it. To be clear, the reason I am and have always been as frank about my mental health--yes, I make my mental health my entire personality--is because I have the privilege to do so without fear of repercussion. A lot of people don't have that. I haven't always had that. I'm in a good place in my life where I can say what's on my mind without fear of alienation or unemployment, and discussing mental health frankly is necessary to destigmatize it. I don't know how many people will actually read this post, but I know statistically that enough folks struggle with their mental health to make it worthwhile for me to discuss mine. If you have read this and any of it resonates with you, I'd love to discuss it with you. Please don't worry about me; I am in a much better place now and getting better every day. I just want to provide support to those who need it as well.